3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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