Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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