Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
