The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
