you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
