So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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