she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
