Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
