brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
