Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
