the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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