Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
