I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Can I color on your dick again?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
