I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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