It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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