my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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