I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
