saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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