How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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