after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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