I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
