Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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