She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
