I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
