I accidentally had phone sex last night
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
