I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
