my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
