if you like me you must not know who I am
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
