Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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