Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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