He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
