So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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