happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
