Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
