i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
