dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
