Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
