Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
