not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
