Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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