oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
