The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
