so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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