Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
