i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
it's great music for shaving your balls
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
