I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
