The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
