Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
