Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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