I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
